1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
This verse is speaking to me more than it should right now.. it actually gave me hope and motivated me to open back up the bible.. and pray.. Funny enough I prayed the other night and asked God for a sign, and well.. someone sends me this verse. Not entirely sure if that was God, but it's helping.
Yeah, you guessed it, tonight's blog post will be about.. love! Where do I begin?
Recently, I've been thinking about giving up on love... though I haven't given up yet, but I doubt I will ever love again. Do people still actually believe in love?.. Have people stopped believing in love because of the heart break that follows? Or am I.. never mind. How can I love somebody if I don't even love myself.. (we'll get more into this later). Love unquestionably exists, but it is reserved for a chosen few. Those fortunate few will truly comprehend the experience of being cherished, valued, and cared for. Others may seek it but never find it reciprocated in their lives. Sometimes I think to myself.. Anyways, why love is so important to me? I must find out. I understand that real love doesn't show up over night. It grows, changes and blossoms into something beautiful. Love is also a drug and it's highly addictive. People seek out that high because while the lows suck, the high is insane. Real love will dim after that initial surge, and that's when having a partner with qualities that support you and the life you want to live is important. That's how you keep it going. Love requires work, and if your partner isn't willing to put in the work then the relationship is doomed. Also, these days no one wants to adjust. They all want to have the perfect lifestyle that they have imagined for themselves. Its really all in the perspective of the person. Love isn't lost. It has just become too difficult to find. And personally, I find that to be better. Because at least when you would truly find someone who loves you and who you love, you would know it is worth the wait and that feeling would be more enthralling.
I want to fall in love, so, fucking, bad. But..first of all.. I know I am not ready, and second.. I don't even know who I am. Maybe we should just delay falling in love until I figure myself out... Or maybe I should just fall in love. Just kidding.
I've been listening to a lot of Morgan Wallen lately, one of his songs stuck out to me the other day and well.. I'm stuck on Wallen again! "Looks like I did it again, me and my stupid mouth."
Let's shift the conversation away from matters of love for a moment, and I'd like to share a bit about what's been going on with me. So, yeah, the new year hasn't been very kind to me. Over the last 2-3 months, I've come to the realization that I haven't made any progress, and if anything, I might have regressed. It's as though there are numerous issues with me, yet when the day ends, I must understand that I've managed to come this far.. which might sound a bit self-centered.. There are definitely a few aspects of myself that require attention, and perhaps even more than just a few. All of these realizations only came to light because I crossed paths with someone, and I'm incredibly thankful for that, even though it's been heart-wrenching. It's regrettable that I pushed her away, and as a result, I find myself alone once more. But, then again, I've been alone my entire life. What's different now? Sigh, I don't even want to continue writing this anymore. How do you move on from someone who was never yours in the first place? Period.
To reiterate on why the new year hasn't been kind to me.. let me explain why.. My freaking iPad screen broke on the second day.. ($600 fix btw), like hello? I could probably buy a new one for that price.. Also.. I've managed to injure myself at the gym once again.. the same lower back/nerve issue that's plagued me for the fifth or sixth time. On top of that, I've also sprained my wrist. It's truly depressing, but I'm relieved that my back is already showing signs of improvement. The previous injuries had set me back by a week or two. So I'm grateful.
Mom's been here for almost two weeks.. I'm enjoying the time spent with her, but I'm really sad she's been forcing me to eat and cooking all these delicious meals, but I haven't really had an appetite. I've actually lost weight.. heh. Bummer. I love her.
That's all I needed to express. Hopefully, I'll be more consistent with my writing this year, maybe once a week. It's not like anyone really reads this anyway.
"If I could un-feel your fingertips, maybe then I'd be okay."
One final thought to share: I accept myself as I am, but I am far from happy with the current version of myself.. I'm actually disgusted with who I am, and who I have recently been. This year, my goal is to dedicate my efforts to becoming the best possible version of who I am. I yearn to discover my true self, experience love, evolve into a better person, and embrace vulnerability along the way..